Grammar Blog: Week 14: Could this be familiar?

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I’ve never heard of peeves as pets, so I can’t say I have a pet peeve.

On a side note: I’ve never heard of peeve used without pet accompanying it. As if it can only be a pet one takes care of rather than just being a peeve of its own. Should someone stand for peeve rights?

Anyway, I suppose if I were to answer this question as intended, I’d say my pet peeve has changed a little since the beginning of the semester. Is it not apparent yet? Well, it shouldn’t be since I haven’t said anything, but I do love typing.

No, it’s not wasting time. If it were, I’d drown in a sea of my own laziness.

It’s actually sentencing in all caps.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS?! HI, DOES THIS MAKE MY SENTENCE MORE AUTHORITATIVE AND MEMORABLE. YOU CAN ALL TELL I’M VERY SERIOUS ABOUT WHAT I’M TYPING!

This isn’t something I’ve noticed in non-electronic formats. This seems to coincide with the birth of texting and instant messaging. I suppose it’s supposed to imply the speaker is yelling, but goddammit, that is also annoying. Is someone yelling going to make you more apt to listen to them? Hearing is not the same as listening. I’m also not going to read the large print book you want to type on your smartphone typewriter.

Trust me (Obviously, you want to now), try not to yell at anyone you’re writing to and speaking to. You may be heard, but they don’t have to listen.

QUICK, SOMEONE COMPARE THE LAST LINE TO THE 2016 ELECTION!

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Fifty Shades of Awesome

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There are plenty of reasons to blog, just as there are many reasons to return to blogging.

Some might say there’s even… 50 shades of reas-

I’m sorry. I came back after all this time just to ugh you, and for that I apologize.

To make it up to you, reader, I’ve decided to do something amazing. Something so amazing that only the Internet could provide it.

Fifty Shades word generator.

Through various technological breakthroughs in erotic fiction generation, we now have the dark magic to recreate enough passages to guarantee an accurate representation of actual world class erotic literature.

I bet it’s the first time you’ve associated Fifty Shades o-

f Grey with word class literature. Or anything not related to a garbage dump.

Fear no more, readers, soon you read and hear the majesty of Fifty Shades and be convinced.

Might I also say: THIS IS VERY EXPLICIT, WRONG SOUNDING, FUNNY SHIT THAT YOU SHOULD NOT READ OR HEAR.

So let’s begin!

He curled a giant butt nugget on my superdroopers just so he could gobble it up like a bulldog eating porridge. I awoke the next morning with my front bum still leaking. I thought it was over but his battering ram had other ideas. My wunder down under was trembling like a shitting dog. When he removed his eight inches of throbbing pink jesus from my fart valve, he was pleasantly surprised to see a butt nugget staring back as him. He knew I couldn’t wait to chow down on the hardened fudge nugget off his throbbing quim dagger. The raiding of my fudge factory was so vigorous, he soon found his man berries joining his flesh gordon deep in my other vagina.

With words like that, one must wonder why art even tries anymore.

Some asshole with a voice recorder read that passage, but even his tones conveyed the true artistic integrity of “flesh gordon.”

Batman barged in and said “WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS?” He gave in after seeing my recording session and demanded that I let him record. I can’t speak to the mysterious of the Dark Knight, but something tells me he was waiting for an opportunity like this.

That was the glory of Fifty Shades of Generator. Please come by and check out more hilarity. More will probably be up… eventually.

If you excuse me, I have to get Batman to stop laughing.

Read What You Damn Well Please.

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Let’s see, I could post more poems, people liked those, but when did I make this a forum for my brain farts. The answer is “what the fuck else is this for.”

I could read something again, but then I would somehow warp (Ha!) back to some Star Trek discussion again.

I could do one of those more traditional blog post thingies, but I have no idea what a traditional blog post is.

I guess I could write m- Wait. What is this?

Against YA pic

Thank you pretentious article writer. Woot woot!

I’ll definitely be the first to jump on this.

By first, I mean within the first few thousand.

Okay. I get it, I’m not original, but then again, neither is this article.

it can be hard to remember that once upon a time, an adult might have felt embarrassed to be caught reading the novel that inspired it. Not because it is bad—it isn’t—but because it was written for teenagers. -Ruth Graham.

No no no. You don’t write an article, for the Slate no less, about YA literature and say how adults should be embarrassed reading without implying that same YA literature is shit. You just don’t, Graham. I’ll get off your lawn in a second, I just need BLOG a few things.

First of all, how does trying to make adults feel embarrassed about reading books turn into a good thing? Frankly, who gives a shit about the author’s intended audience? If I told Graham that her favorite novel was actually intended for children it’s not like she would throw down the book and proclaim “I’m too old for this shit!”

Authorial or editorial intent does not matter. I’ve read YA and if I were told it was intended for a forty year old man with three kids it wouldn’t interfere with my reading of the text. I know Orson Scott Card is a homophobic ass, but it doesn’t mean I like Ender’s Game any less.

My god, I still watch cartoons too, I mean I watched and loved Avatar: The Last Airbender series, but according to Graham, since it was on Nickelodeon I should feel embarrassed I ever admitted this. I guess it’s time I let the common sense of someone else dictate what I should read and watch, especially if that someone wrote an article for Slate.

I will say that my own life as a YA reader way back in the early 1990s was hardly wanting for either satisfaction or sophistication. Books like The Westing Game and Tuck Everlasting provided some of the most intense reading experiences of my life. I have no urge to go back and re-read them, but those books helped turn me into the reader I am today. It’s just that today, I am a different reader. -Ruth Graham.

Could it be that you already read those books that you don’t want to re-read them again? Sorry for assuming your reading habits, it’s just that you’re telling me and many other readers not to read things we like, so I just assumed I could tell you what you can or can’t read too.

There’s of course no shame in writing about teenagers; think Shakespeare or the Brontë sisters or Megan Abbott.-Ruth Graham.

It’s okay because you like them. Got it. We can just ignore every other book that could be classified as YA because it wasn’t up to par for you. Just burn down the Newbery selection everyone because it’s not needed here.

But the YA and “new adult” boom may mean fewer teens aspire to grown-up reading, because the grown-ups they know are reading their books. When I think about what I learned about love, relationships, sex, trauma, happiness, and all the rest—you know, life—from the extracurricular reading I did in high school, I think of John Updike and Alice Munro and other authors whose work has only become richer to me as I have grown older, and which never makes me roll my eyes. -Ruth Graham.

So in order to do “grown-up reading,” it has to be a book that stays with you forever and forever? So I just have to look up your reading list and be forever changed. I can assure you Graham has read every book and has never forgotten one of them because she was grown-up when she did it and it totally enriched her life. If only I and everyone else had that grown-up reading prowess. Still something wrong here besides everything else.

I have no idea what the fuck “grown-up reading” is. In the modern parlance around here we like to call it “reading,” but apparently that isn’t enough for Graham.

Graham sounds like the kind of person who answers the “What’s your favorite T.V show” question by saying “I don’t really watch television. I prefer to read.” It just sounds like a pretentious answer, because all I’ve read from her is this pretentious article.

Never mind what Graham writes, hell, never mind what I write, because you should just read, watch, and play whatever the hell you want. Don’t let anyone discourage you from doing what you want just because it may not fit the sensibilities of “grown-ups” who think otherwise.

Now I’m going to eat a bag of snacks, but it looks like they were made for children so I may feel embarrassed.

Oh goddammit, I wanted to do that.